10/28/19
​
I guess she just had to die
out past the sea of understanding
so young so beautiful so talented
so loving life giving
that smile
she lit up the world
not just my world
the bigger world
a true natural gift to all
that smile
a little lump
close to the armpit
of the right beautiful breast
"it will be okay" nothing
we surgically remove it
that smile
then under a tooth
then the bones
then the lungs
then the brain
that smile
it devoured her at 48 years old
just ate her up
things don't have reasons
they just happen
I truly didn't think I could survive
nor wanted to
wanting to die in that bed
with her
that smile
holding her close
begging the cancer cells
to invade me and let her live
no deal, no mafia trade off
then she was cold
I held her so close
to keep her warm
gone, gone, gone
that smile
now they'll me
I have cancer
it makes me feel good
that I can feel the devil in me
like it was was in her
that smile
at last in no place together
so very perfect
that smile
10/30/19
About life, the end or beginning, yes the zen idea is to give up ego. Understanding we or the "I" doesn't matter at all. None of us are a big deal except to ourselves. In deep truth none of it really matters. Give up the concept of self and have some fun and passion. None of it really matters. That's why death exists. The big joke on all our self importance.
11/5/19
no at this point
not wanting anything
except everything
just so ready
to get out of here
no regrets
about this long life
I believe I have hurt no one
except myself
it is hard dangerous work
hurting ones self
sometimes I think
i think it might be
in the jew dna
or mother and fathers
concept of glamor
the jewish recovery
humor
the most tragic people
making the best comics
survival at any cost
the funniest comedians
against the religion
to get tattooed
they burnt numbers
on our arms
against the believe
to be cremated
they burnt us
in ovens
way past hate
yet the remaining
jew intellect survives
to many names to say
I don't feel attached
to a jew god
no belief system
but somehow
feel the suffering
in my body
and past
I really do feel it
no I don't light the friday night
candles
or recite the goodnight prayer
my grandmother
recited to in hebrew
but deep down
in someplace I will
never understand
or get why I suffer
so hard and interesting
deep in the cells
of past lives
this jew past
has real meaning
can't explain
just feel it
in the cells of my being
goldberg
